Throughout the years I’ve always hated myself in many ways, and because of this i had suicidal thoughts. As time progressed, i learnt to deal with my problems better and seek refuge in Allah (Swt). The thoughts may not be as frequent, but still do appear a considerable amount. The only difference is before it used to be because i felt as if i couldn’t handle all the things that were going on, and now it’s because i feel like i disappoint everyone around. I don’t consider myself a good person, and i have and always will believe that everyone would be better off not knowing a person like me. In the end Allahu Alim.
Can I please just graduate already?
I’m so tired of my high school. sigh :/
It’s been raining all day, and even now through the night
There’s a sort of beauty and sense of a calmness that comes from the cold breeze added with the sound of rain falling and cars splashing water as they pass by. Now that i think about, all the nights i remember similar to this have been quite sad. I remember turning out the lights in my room, positioning myself to the corner of my bed near the window with my blanket covering every inch of me, while i laid there crying, waiting for sleep to creep up on me. All these little things people have said, mostly things my family have set that had left me with a feeling of wanting to disappear, not wanting to wake up, and just erase my existence over all.
Time has passed and i suppose things have changed a lot. Nights like those are almost nonexistent now, and i lay here tonight talking with someone dear to me, while at the same time reading my book. It’s relaxing, and different is the best i can describe the feeling to be, but still remember all those times really does suck. Oh well ~
LOOL
(Source: ireblog4weed, via darknesscanbelight)
I suppose you learn new things about your family everyday
i don’t understand how you care more about reputation than your own child
I’ve noticed that generally people are mean to me. not in a serious ” i hate you” kind of manner but in a friendly way because i’m one of those people who joke around often and what not. Although we all have a good time and what not, when i sit down to think about it. it does bother me a lot.
I guess this is just something else i need to change about myself.
I’m just so tired of almost everyone in my school.
There are just some people who make me hate it so much. I don’t know, i just can’t wait to graduate…
Growing up.
Since a very early age, my relationship with my family hasn’t been the best. It made me miserable at times, but in the end it’s how we view things, carry ourselves, and act that makes us feel this way. Alhamdulillah, things have changed since last year but i still wanted to grow up. i wanted independence, i wanted freedom, and i wanted to able to be free without worry. It wasn’t really until last month that reality hit me in the face. growing up isn’t just some magical phase where i have everything, but rather tons and tons of responsibilities are placed upon me. I have to manage and earn my own money, i have to spend it wisely, i have to find my own food, i have to take care of myself, i have to get my priorities straight and much more. There won’t be someone always watching over me to help me but i have to handle all these things by myself. I was scared, and i just didn’t want to face it all. From a chain of events, my mindset about that changed again. I want to grow up, at one point or another this would happen and it’s better now in college where i can still have a lot of help from my family if i mess up, rather than be on my own out of no where. I NEED to grow up. I can’t be some little kid who have everything handed to him. i want to be able to take care of myself well. i want to be independent. I want to prove myself to certain people, and i also just want to get away from the majority of the people i know irl. Insh’Allah i’m ready for it.
i’m just stick and tired of being here is all, i suppose.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. “
~ Robert Frost
